Is it OK to Cry at Work?

Early in my career I had a colleague (let's call her Liza) who was a self-professed "crier". She was young, professional and competent. But when she became angry, frustrated or felt backed into a corner, the water-works would start. I remember one day Liza left our boss' office after receiving her performance review. I asked her how it went. She said, "We're just on a break. We stopped because I was crying. I'm humiliated."

No matter how hard Liza tried to choke back the tears, she couldn't. It made her feel weak and stupid - she didn't want to be crying - but she claimed that she just couldn't control it. I felt so bad for her. It was hard enough back then for a young female professional to get respect in the consulting world. Tears just made it near impossible.

I bring this story up because today's Wall Street Journal online edition has an article by Sue Shellenbarger headlined, Crying at Work Gains Acceptance. In it, Shellengbarger makes the case that the proliferation of Gen Y'ers in today's workplace is making it more acceptable to show emotions, including crying. The article says that the younger generation is generally more in touch with feelings than baby boomers - and that clashes between more stoic older bosses and more sensitive younger workers are ensuing in the workplace.

So will crying be "cool" at work? Will managers get promoted for their open sensitivity and ability to openly shed tears? Is crying really gaining acceptance at work?

I think this remains to be seen. A few things I question:

- Even if people (including those interviewed for the WSJ article) claim that they accept crying at work, I wonder what they actually feel about it. I'd like to think that I'm an open, accepting person and wouldn't judge someone who cried at work...but subconsciously, would I feel differently? Would I somehow see the person as weak? (I'm not sure, but I guess it would depend on the circumstances and why the person was crying.)

- I wonder how many of my clients would want their consultant to cry in front of them...or worse yet, in front of a group of their leaders. My bet is that while a client might feel sorry or embarassed for the consultant, they'd be a lot less confident in that individual - and may question their "emotional toughness" or tolerance for stress. Let's face it. There are some situations where crying is just bad for your image and can be damaging.

- When does crying become a real problem? Sure, most of us have felt like crying after we've received bad feedback or had a particularly horrible day. But if an employee cries at seemlingly inappropriate times (for example, he makes a typo or she spills her coffee) and it happens frequently, there might be an underlying issue.

- What can tears tell you? I recently had a client, a sales manager, tell me about a new hire who was a terrific salesperson. She was blowing away her numbers in the first few months on the job. Yet when the manager did her ride-alongs with the rep in the field, she found that the rep would cry before and after every customer call. When the manager asked the rep why she was crying, the rep said, "I'm terrified of making calls. I feel sick to my stomach before I make every call...and then I feel so relieved after the call, I feel sick again!" Needless to say, this rep's crying betrayed an underlying, serious issue - she hated her job even though she was great at it.

Crying at work may be gaining some acceptance...but I wouldn't yet say there's a crying revolution at work. Like any other expression of emotion (yelling, laughing loudly, cursing) - there's a right time and right place. And some very wrong times and places.

© 2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved.

Find the Fear (If You Want to Sell Your Idea or Gain Support)

I thought of this Blog topic after reading an article in last Wednesday's Wall Street Journal (Why Your Lizard Brain Makes You a Bad Investor - and How to Battle Back), in which writer Jonathan Clements discusses the psychology of financial investing. His article makes the point that humans instinctively (dating back to caveman days) have a strong aversion to loss. And this fear of loss tends to be much more powerful than the desire to gain.

He quotes economics Professor Robert Frank of Cornell University, who notes that "animals will fight viciously to protect territory that they hold, but they won't fight nearly as hard to extend their territory." Most humans have this same protective instinct, which is why we tend to be more motivated by fear than desire.

Why should business people care? Think about those times you tried to sell an idea, make a proposal or get someone's help and you got a "no." Chances are there is some fear behind the response. Think about the following examples:

- Your boss dumped a bucket of cold water on your last budget request. (He was worried that if his boss called him on the expenditure, he wouldn't be able to defend it, making him look bad.)

- Your process improvement idea was rejected by other departments, despite the fact that it would save the company thousands of dollars. (They like their current processes, they created them, and only they understand them. Now you want to take that all away.)

- You hit a brick wall when you asked someone from your IT Department to show you how to fix your own computer problem. (They felt threatened. If they show you how to fix your own problems, you won't need them.)

Granted, not every decision is fear-based. But you can have greater influence over others if you tune into their worries and fears.

Below are some pointers for getting more "yes" responses to your ideas and proposals by finding people's hidden fears - and alleviating them...

Before presenting your idea or proposal:

• Stay objective - No matter how good your idea is or how much time and money it will save, don't assume that just because you're excited about your idea, others will be.

• Play devil's advocate with yourself and someone else - Before presenting your idea, test it. List all of the possible arguments against it...and go beyond the obvious. For example, if you're asking for a raise, think beyond the actual dollars. Even if there is budget for your salary increase, your boss may be afraid that if he gives you the raise and word gets out, others will ask for more money as well. Check yourself by asking an objective third party - preferably someone who knows the person to whom you're presenting the idea - to play devil's advocate with you. That person will likely think of arguments against your idea that you've missed.

• Figure out how to "Tip the Value Scale" - Imagine that inside everyone's head is a little scale - the "Value Scale." Humans use this value scale to make decisions. The scale helps the brain weigh the benefits (gains) they'll receive from saying "yes" to a decision, versus the losses (fears) they'll face if they say "yes". Since the loss/fear side of the Value Scale can be a more powerful motivator than the benefit/gain side, your job as the proposal-presenter is to get inside the other person's head and tip that scale, so that the gain outweighs the fear. You've got to figure out, "What is it going to take to alleviate that person's fear of my proposal?" and "How do I tip the 'value scale', so that in the other person's head, the gains from my proposal outweigh the fears about it?"

• Think about other influencers or decision-makers - A note of caution. Make sure that you're presenting your proposal or idea to the right person. Ask yourself, "Is this person truly the decision maker, or will he/she have to check with others for approval?" If others are likely to influence or be involved with the decision, you must assess each person individually. Everyone has different concerns and fears. Make sure that you've thought through each person's value scale and prepare to address potential fears. For example, when you're asking the person in your IT Department to help you, think about who else might be impacted if he says "yes". Not only may the IT person be threatened by your desire to learn how to fix your own computer problem - but he may also need to ask his manager for an extension on a project deadline because he'll be spending more time with you (it would be quicker for him if he just fixed your problem and went back to his project). In other words, his manager's fear may be that the project work won't get done because the IT person is wasting time teaching you how to fix a problem. To get the IT person to help you, you may need to help him think about how to ask his boss for the project deadline extension.

When presenting your idea or proposal:

• Ask first - Don't start the conversation by launching into an explanation of your idea, or trying to sell the benefits. It's important to get the individual talking, so you can confirm whether your assessment of the person's fears and desires was accurate. For example, if you've anticipated that the IT person may resist your request to teach your team how to do basic troubleshooting, you might ask questions such as: "How much time have you spent fixing this problem over and over again for our department?" "What other projects are you working on, when you're not trouble-shooting for us?" "If you didn't have to fix these recurring problems, what could you be doing with your time?" "If our team were willing to invest the time on our end...how would you feel about teaching us some of the trouble-shooting basics - so you could focus on the more complex, business-critical work?" What's good about these questions is that they're addressing the person's potential underlying worry, that he won't be valued, in a non-threatening way. You're helping him see that by teaching your team some basic trouble-shooting, he'll actually increase his value to the organization by focusing on more complex, business-critical work.

• Don't be cagey - Most people can smell a manipulation job a mile away. It's ok to acknowledge the fact that you have an idea or proposal right up front. You might say, "I've been toying with an idea, but first I'd like to ask you a few questions to see if it's even viable." Then start asking your questions. If the person says, "Can't you just tell me your idea and I'll tell you if I like it or not?" it's all right to say, "I could, but I don't want to waste your time trying to sell you on an idea that won't work. If you give me a minute to ask a few questions, I can probably save both of us some time." Very few people will resist that approach, because most people fear having their time wasted, or having a bad idea pushed on them. In most people (because we're such a busy society), these fears will outweigh their desire to hear your idea quickly or skip the questions.

• Acknowledge and encourage challenges - No matter how much analysis you did in advance, you'll occasionally be caught off guard by a challenge you weren't prepared for as you present your idea. Welcome these challenges! In fact, thank the person for bringing up these issues. Once their concerns are on the table, you have the chance to address them. As long as concerns are unspoken, you'll be in the dark about why your ideas are being rejected.

• Tell a story with your proposal - One of the biggest mistakes people make when presenting ideas or proposals is forgetting to put them in context. In other words, forgetting to tell the story of why your idea's benefit (value) outweighs the cost (fear). If you've done your work in advance by assessing the other person's fears and desires, and asked questions to get the person talking about costs and benefits, you have what you need to tell a strong story. A story sounds something like this, when presenting your idea:

• "Here's the idea..."
• "Here's how it's going to address your needs and here's the assessment I've done."
• "I recognize that there are some issues, such as X and Y. Here's how we can address those issues."
• "What additional questions do you have - or what other information do you need?"

If there are no other questions, just ask for the approval to proceed. For example, ask

• "How should we move forward on this?" or just recommend a next step.

Keep in mind, it's not about using fear to manipulate others. Rather, it's about working to understand what people worry about (what keeps them up at night)...and figuring out ways to alleviate those worries with your ideas. In other words, you get what you want when you're a problem-solver (aka: fear-remover). The best part is, you're giving the other person what they want - making the problem/fear go away.

Are you a salesperson who wants to learn how to be a problem-solver by uncovering customers' concerns and needs? Click here for more information on TLG's Sales in Action programs.

©2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved. www.TheLoyaltyGroup.com

Interview Etiquette for Companies

The WSJ recently had an article about how all the little things you do as a job candidate - from the minute you pull up to the building - leave a lasting impression. It gives funny examples of how everything gets noticed by prospective employers, from what you read in the lobby to how clean your car is.

As I was reading this article, I realized that this is a two-way street. While employers scrutinize everything candidates do, remember that candidates also scrutinize everything employers do. What kind of an image is your company projecting to job candidates?

I thought back to some of my experiences as a job candidate. One particularly disorganized company knew I was coming in but had nothing prepared…including the fact that the suite number to their offices was wrong in their directions to me! After finally finding the right office space, I was shuffled between a few interviewers who looked like they didn’t want to be there. Consequently, I decided I didn’t want to be there either.

In another company, a hiring manager kept sneaking peeks at his Blackberry while I was answering questions— and once his secretary popped in unannounced to let him know his wife was on the line and needed to ask him something! Although I had turned off my mobile phone and cleared my mind of all distractions for this opportunity, he clearly didn’t value my time enough to do the same.

Here are some tips on what you can do to leave a lasting positive impression on the candidates who interview YOU:

1. Treat the candidate like you would a client. Would you keep a potential client waiting around for an hour? Do you make an announcement that a big sales prospect is coming in and everyone should be on their best behavior? Whether they are hired or not, remember that all candidates are walking billboards for how your company treated them during the selection process. You never know who they might know!

2. Orchestrate every minute of the interview. Do you know where candidates will be at all times? Who is taking them to the next interview appointment? Is anyone meeting them downstairs to get them through security? Make sure you coordinate with other selection managers in advance so that you are not wasting anyone’s time by “winging it.”

3. Pay Attention to the candidate. Are you subtly glancing at your Blackberry or your open email inbox on the computer screen? Have you asked for all calls to be held unless it’s an emergency? Treat the interview seriously to show how serious you are about finding the right person for this job.

Finding the right job means “finding the right fit”— and that definitely goes for both candidates and employers. What other tips or ideas do you have to help hiring managers make a positive impression on all job candidates?

©2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved. www.TheLoyaltyGroup.com