Managers Must Remember Feelings

"Man bites off fingertip of other man at Healthcare rally!"

"Man slaps stranger's crying toddler in WalMart!"

These are just two of today's news headlines. Is it me, or are there a lot of angry people out there these days? It's not surprising, given the economy, reality TV and lack of trust in corporate America (among other things).

However -- it did make me think that it's a good time to remind anyone who's a manager to remember that people have feelings. Emotions are running high these days. We're all busy, so it's easy to forget to be "nice", say thank you or just sit and listen to employees.

But it's more important than ever to make extra time.

The majority of employees aren't dangerous or violent. What managers should worry about is the impact of angry employees who suffer quietly and unproductively, who badmouth your company or who subtly sabotage your efforts. That's the biggest threat you face when you ignore feelings at work.

Now get out there and be nice. Or else! Grrrr..!

Praise to the "Me" Generation

"I can't deny the fact that you like me...you like me!"

These words, delivered with elation by Sally Field when she won a Best Actress Oscar for Places in the Heart, reveal the depth of a performer's need for recognition.

In the work world, it seems we have our own brand of love-starved performers: the "me" generation.

A podcast last week on NPR discussed how the 20-somethings now flooding our workplaces are fueled by constant praise. Experts cited in the story theorize that this trait was instilled by this generation's parents - whose parenting style was more focused on building self-esteem than on objective self-appraisal. Kids that grew up in the late 80s and 90s often played in sports leagues where there were no losers (everyone got trophies), strong discipline was frowned upon, and kids got praise for everything including getting up for school or getting dressed (things they're supposed to do anyway).

We All Like Praise, But How Much?

When these praise-hungry kids grew up and entered the workforce, their expectations of authority figures were high. As a result, managers have had to look for reasons to lavish recognition on younger employees who need regular pats on the back to stay engaged. ("Congrats on meeting that deadline." "Thank you for showing up for work on time." "You're really smart.")

Some may argue that every worker likes positive feedback. True. The questions are: "How much?" "How often?" and "For what?"

Research into "Generation Me" shows that overall, this younger group of workers typically needs more positive stroking, more often, for more types of behaviors to stay motivated.

The Implication for Managers

The impact on managers' jobs can be significant. If you manage people today, you've got to go out of your way to look for positives to praise, even if you're busy or under pressure.

Managers: challenge your own principles. Below are attitudes that won't work anymore for managers who lead younger workers:

• "I had to work hard without much praise. Younger employees need to suck it up and work hard too, like I did."

• "I don't have time to babysit and pat people on the back for every little thing they do. I'm too busy for that."

• "I feel phoney giving out praise for little things. I don't give a lot of thanks, but when I do, I mean it."

• "They should feel lucky that they have a good job, benefits and decent pay! That should be enough to keep them motivated!"

While there's validity to all of these beliefs, they just may not work today. Managers who cling to these principles may quickly find themselves losing young employees to managers who dole out a daily dose of praise.


© 2007. Phyllis Roteman, The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved.

Is it OK to Cry at Work?

Early in my career I had a colleague (let's call her Liza) who was a self-professed "crier". She was young, professional and competent. But when she became angry, frustrated or felt backed into a corner, the water-works would start. I remember one day Liza left our boss' office after receiving her performance review. I asked her how it went. She said, "We're just on a break. We stopped because I was crying. I'm humiliated."

No matter how hard Liza tried to choke back the tears, she couldn't. It made her feel weak and stupid - she didn't want to be crying - but she claimed that she just couldn't control it. I felt so bad for her. It was hard enough back then for a young female professional to get respect in the consulting world. Tears just made it near impossible.

I bring this story up because today's Wall Street Journal online edition has an article by Sue Shellenbarger headlined, Crying at Work Gains Acceptance. In it, Shellengbarger makes the case that the proliferation of Gen Y'ers in today's workplace is making it more acceptable to show emotions, including crying. The article says that the younger generation is generally more in touch with feelings than baby boomers - and that clashes between more stoic older bosses and more sensitive younger workers are ensuing in the workplace.

So will crying be "cool" at work? Will managers get promoted for their open sensitivity and ability to openly shed tears? Is crying really gaining acceptance at work?

I think this remains to be seen. A few things I question:

- Even if people (including those interviewed for the WSJ article) claim that they accept crying at work, I wonder what they actually feel about it. I'd like to think that I'm an open, accepting person and wouldn't judge someone who cried at work...but subconsciously, would I feel differently? Would I somehow see the person as weak? (I'm not sure, but I guess it would depend on the circumstances and why the person was crying.)

- I wonder how many of my clients would want their consultant to cry in front of them...or worse yet, in front of a group of their leaders. My bet is that while a client might feel sorry or embarassed for the consultant, they'd be a lot less confident in that individual - and may question their "emotional toughness" or tolerance for stress. Let's face it. There are some situations where crying is just bad for your image and can be damaging.

- When does crying become a real problem? Sure, most of us have felt like crying after we've received bad feedback or had a particularly horrible day. But if an employee cries at seemlingly inappropriate times (for example, he makes a typo or she spills her coffee) and it happens frequently, there might be an underlying issue.

- What can tears tell you? I recently had a client, a sales manager, tell me about a new hire who was a terrific salesperson. She was blowing away her numbers in the first few months on the job. Yet when the manager did her ride-alongs with the rep in the field, she found that the rep would cry before and after every customer call. When the manager asked the rep why she was crying, the rep said, "I'm terrified of making calls. I feel sick to my stomach before I make every call...and then I feel so relieved after the call, I feel sick again!" Needless to say, this rep's crying betrayed an underlying, serious issue - she hated her job even though she was great at it.

Crying at work may be gaining some acceptance...but I wouldn't yet say there's a crying revolution at work. Like any other expression of emotion (yelling, laughing loudly, cursing) - there's a right time and right place. And some very wrong times and places.

© 2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved.