I Don't WANNA Be Coached! (What to do when employees don't want coaching.)

You know who they are. They’re the employees who squirm when you mention having a coaching discussion with them. They’re always “busy” when you want to talk about their development or give them some feedback. And when you do get a coaching meeting scheduled, they placate you by nodding their heads compliantly – or sit silently – anything to get the meeting over with.

They're reluctant coachees.

I asked some of my colleagues who are professional executive coaches what they do with someone who doesn't seem to want coaching. Not surprisingly, they all said that they don't coach unwilling participants. You can't coach someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I agree with that. But if you're a manager or in an internal (corporate) coaching role, it may not be that easy. You can't simply "turn down" coaching gigs when coaching is part of your job. So what do you do, as a manager or internal coach, when faced with people who resist your help?

It's not like you don't have any options. You can always avoid them, focusing your attention on those employees who really want your help. Or you can just fire them.

Before writing these people off as just "difficult", however, try to diagnose why they resist your help. Once you understand what's behind the resistance, you'll be better equipped to address it. If nothing else, you may find that you're just dealing with a difficult, stubborn person who refuses help and needs to seek other employment. At least you'll know.

Here are five common reasons that people resist coaching.

1. The Veteran Aura

This works two ways. Seasoned employees may be afraid to let it be known that they need coaching. After all, they've been around. Other employees probably ask them for advice. They view coaching as something that's for newbies, not them.

Managers often fuel this perception by leaving veterans alone. "They don't need my help," they think. Or they wonder, "What value can I add? The veteran's been here longer than me!"

The downside to this cycle is two-fold. One, veterans without coaching may plateau and never reach their full potential. We all get stale and form bad habits over the years. By leaving veterans alone, you're not doing them a favor. In fact, you're depriving them of the opportunity to learn and be challenged - and holding your company back from reaching its growth potential.

The other downside is that veterans who aren't coached may feel ignored, which can lead to poor morale or even turnover. An ignored employee is ripe pickings for a recruiter working for the competition. Most veterans won't say that they feel ignored or isolated, because they don't want to sound needy. But everyone likes to be recognized. Providing good coaching shows that you care and are interested in what the veteran is doing.

2. Been Burned in the Past

When you hire people or inherit a team, everyone brings their old baggage. If people on your team had poor managers in the past (who led through intimidation or used coaching as an excuse to criticize), don't expect them to welcome your coaching with open arms. They've got trust issues - and being coached requires a lot of trust.

It's a lot like personal relationships. Once bitten, twice shy. If you marry and divorce an overbearing spouse who is a control-freak, you're likely to be turned off by future dating prospects with strong personalities. It's a natural human response to being burned.

You can find out if "been burned in the past" is an issue by simply talking to your team members. Ask, "Tell me a little about how your last manager coached you and gave feedback," "What did or didn't you like about how that coaching relationship went?" Or, "I want this coaching relationship to be effective. How do you like to be coached?" This type of dialogue can clear the air about any bad past experiences with coaching, and give you a fresh start by establishing new expectations for your coaching relationship.

3. They Don't Know How to Participate

It may sound odd, but some people just don't know how to receive coaching. These may be the people that sit silently during coaching discussions, nodding their heads occasionally (like bobbleheads) and contributing little. It may be that they don't know what they're supposed to do in a coaching discussion. Or they may think that coaching means that you tell them what to do.

If you expect your team members to participate in their coaching discussions, you should set that expectation. Don't assume that your "picture" of coaching is the same as the employee's picture. You can set clear expectations by:
Letting them know, before the discussion, why you want to talk and the agenda for the coaching conversation.

• Explaining clearly what you expect of them during the discussion. ("I expect that this will be a two-way dialogue where we can tackle this problem together.")
• Being clear about how to prepare for the coaching meeting. ("I'd like to to bring your financial analysis and projections for the next three months, and any supporting data you'd like me to see, so we can go through it together.")
• Asking them what they'd like to get from the coaching discussion

4. Personal Issues (Out of your control.)

Sometimes, people just don't want to be helped and you can't do anything about it. This should be your last conclusion, after you've explored tested other theories and tried various approaches. And as my executive coaching friends point out, you can't coach someone who just doesn't want it.

5. Look in the Mirror (It may be you!)

It isn't easy to think about, but sometimes the problem is us (I include myself in this, even though I think I'm a pretty good coach). Coaching isn't easy. It takes a consultative mindset, patience, emotional intelligence - and a whole lot of skill and practice. You may need a coaching tune-up or some pointers, like the ones offered in TLG's thinktwice Coaching Cards. Remember, you're a role model for the people you coach. When you start with yourself - and show that you're able to work on your coaching skills - you're sending the message that "everyone needs coaching...even the coach!"

Copyright 2008. Phyllis Roteman. The Loyalty Group. Sherman Oaks, CA.

Is "Social Networking" Impacting Performance Management at Your Company? (Maybe It Should Be...)

Social networking (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter) is impacting your workplace, whether you realize it or not.

According to a GenY article in Workforce, Gen Y'rs (born between 1979 and 1994) will number 80 million - versus about 77 million Baby Boomers and 44 million Gen X'rs. In other words, as more Boomers retire, our corporations' cubicles and meeting rooms will be filled with young, tech-savvy workers, many of whom had MP3 players when they were six and had their own websites when they were seven. Social networking sites have become the new roller rinks of today (OK, I'm dating myself...but in my day, we "kids" went to the roller skating rink to meet, hang out and share gossip).

Mike Gotta tackled the issue of social networking's impact on organizations on his Collaborative Thinking blog this Tuesday. It's a well-laid-out discussion of the issues and challenges posed by social networking on organizations.

I agree with Gotta's assertion that "socially oriented systems will significantly reshape organizations over the next several years." And it is already reshaping how people are managed, trained and coached in business, whether we realize it or not.

On the one hand, business is squeezed by growing legal and compliance pressure. For example, in our consulting practice (www.theloyaltygroup.com) we teach performance management and coaching skills, and it's always been a struggle to get managers to record notes on employees' performance. It's harder than ever now, because managers (HR and Legal departments too) often are afraid to put anything in writing...as it may come back to haunt them later in a legal investigation. As a result, important notes from coaching and performance discussions don't get noted, which means the value of feedback to employees is diluted (for lack of written details).

At the same time, the new generation entering our workforce is accustomed to social networking sites and reality TV, where it's completely OK to bare your soul, disclose frank (and sometimes hurtful) opinions, and share intimate thoughts in writing.

Smart companies will need to help employees and managers balance the need for security, professionalism and privacy - with today's technology and social networking culture. To strike the appropriate balance, companies should focus on:

• Training both employees and their managers on how to talk directly to people (actually hold face to face conversations) rather than put every detail in writing.
• Creating a strategy for how to incorporate social networking, blogging, instant messaging and other emerging technology into their business practices - from managing human resource issues, to managing projects across departments, to communicating with customers.
• Communicating clear guidelines about the difference between appropriate "business writing" in the organization and inappropriate "personal writing" that should be kept outside the work environment.
• Teaching managers and employees how to select the appropriate method (face-to-face, phone, instant message, email, blogging) of communication in day-to-day performance management (coaching, giving feedback, sharing information or conducting reviews).

Companies that don't pay attention to these issues will struggle with miscommunications and unhappy employees that aren't getting the feedback and coaching they need - not to mention legal challenges.

© 2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved.

Soft Skills Training in MBA Programs

Yesterday's WSJ Online had an article describing how top tier business schools like Dartmouth and MIT are now focusing on the soft skills of managing, by "...copying and adapting popular corporate techniques such as coaching, personality assessments and peer feedback. The article says the schools are responding to increasing interest from employers who are looking for better inpersonal skills in freshly minted MBAs.

I remember when I was pursuing my Executive MBA at the University of Miami's business school several years ago, I had a few academically-obsessed professors who frequently "poo pooed" the work of consultants. (Overall I HIGHLY recommend UM's Executive MBA program and most of the professors were amazing.) One Leadership professor in particular grudgingly shared some of Ken Blanchard's work, to "just let us know what's out there," because we'd probably be exposed to it when we got into the corporate world. She clung to her heavily-research based theory and leadership models, which in her opinion (and which she was not shy about sharing) was much more ligitimate than the practical but "light" stuff that corporate consultants taught.

It's about time that business schools started recognizing the need for balance between teaching strategy, finance and analysis (the "hard" stuff), and the interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence (the "soft" stuff) required to lead effectively in today's business environment.

What's the implication for business? You can capitalize on this trend by doing the following:

• When hiring new business school graduates, ask them what they learned about the "interpersonal-side" of managing in their MBA program. The WSJ article says that many programs now require students to take leadership assessments and create development plans for themselves. Find out what insight graduates gleaned from their assessments and development plans, and what actions they have been taking to hone their skills.

• Don't assume that even with soft-skills built into the curriculum, new MBAs are ready-made for leadership responsibility...particularly the challenge of managing people of diverse backgrounds and styles. Nothing is a substitute for the first-hand experience of leading people in a corporate setting. Give them support, such as mentoring, continuous leadership development training and coaching, to help them deal with the day-to-day challenges of applying soft-skills theory to the real world.

• Talk to your local college about incorporating practical, soft-skills training into their MBA and undergraduate business programs. By doing this, you're helping to create your own pool of better-prepared, new leaders in your own back yard.

• Keep your seasoned managers' soft-skills sharp with ongoing development. New business school graduates with stronger interpersonal skills raises the bar on all leaders in the organization. Make sure your vets are getting the same tools and resources your new managers are getting. It's easy to assume that veteran managers have "been there, done that" when it comes to training in topics like Coaching, Performance Management and Giving Feedback. But seasoned vets get sloppy on the soft-skills without continuous development, feedback and refreshers (I include myself in that category...even I can get sloppy and I teach this stuff!).

For more information about succession management and the importance of soft skills for future leaders, see the following link to our e-newsletter:

http://www.theloyaltygroup.com/tt.Vol1.issue7.pdf

Managers as "Coaches and Conductors"

Today's Wall Street Journal Boss Talk article interviews Ken Favaro, co-chairman of Marakon Associates. He discusses the challenge, or "tension", leaders face in balancing conflicting business goals. One set of conflicting goals is the need to build individual business unit autonomy versus the need to strengthen the company as a whole. Too much focus on individual autonomy, Favaro says, creates silos. Too much centralization can inhibit innovation and specialization.

To achive the right balance, Favaro says that CEOs must be both "coaches and conductors." Good coaches know the strengths and development needs of individuals, and capitalize on them. Good conductors know how to bring a team together, to work as a whole. In other words, strong leaders must be able to focus on the big picture (the entire business enterprise) as well as tap into individual needs.

I agree with Favaro and even go a step further. I believe that in today's flat, technology-driven organizations, managers at all levels (not just the C-level), must be coaches and conductors. Imagine an operations manager who can only focus as a coach, at the individual level. She may get the best out of her own team, but she's unlikely to build strong cross-functional partnerships. She may make decisions that help her team, but conflict with the greater organizational goals.

On the flip side, think of a sales manager who is a strong conductor, but is weak as a coach. He may be good at influencing up and make strategic decisions that are in the company's long-term interest. Yet he may be out of touch with the individuals on his team and their needs. He may avoid performance problems and stay in the office attending meetings, rather than be in the field with his reps.

Being a manager at any level is always a balancing act. The right amount of coaching and conducting helps ensure that individuals feel empowered and automous - while the good of the whole is being served.

Toughen Up with Hard to Hear Feedback

In The Loyalty Group's June e-newsletter on Coaching, I promised my own personal story about how a coach impacted me. Here goes...

Several years ago my company was at a turning point and I had some tough decisions to make about our direction, and the role I would play as our company's leader. It was the perfect time to work with a coach.

We started with the usual stuff - goal setting, crafting my personal mission, my company's business plan, etc. We reviewed The Loyalty Group's values, which included Integrity. I stressed to my coach that this value was very personal to me - as well as critical to our business philosophy. I talked at length about what integrity looked like, why I valued it - and how I'd always prided myself on it.

In a later meeting, I shared with my coach a problem I was having with a long-term business associate. We were struggling to come to terms on a contract, and I thought that my associate was being petty. I was resentful that he was asking for what I perceived as unfair terms. I was considering pulling out of the relationship all together. I remember telling my coach, "This is causing me more time and stress than it's worth. It's easier to just walk away."

My coach asked if I'd shared my feelings with the associate.

"Not really," I said. "We've had lots of discussions about the business terms, but I haven't actually said how I feel, or that I'm ready to walk away. I don't think it'll do any good."

My coach called me out. He said, "So you don't truly value Integrity?"

I was taken aback. I asked what he meant.

He explained, "You say that you pride yourself on your high Integrity. Yet you're not being honest with your associate. You're stewing, stressing, complaining behind his back, talking to me about the problem, thinking that he's being petty...yet you haven't told him how you feel. Now you're thinking of ending this long-term relationship without giving him the benefit of knowing what's going on. How is that acting with Integrity?"

Now I don't recommend this type of tough-love coaching approach for everyone. My coach knew that, given my strong personality, it was what I needed. And he was right. His words were like icewater being thrown in my face. I had to rethink everything. Was it possible that I saw myself as someone who was candid and possessed high integrity - but was actually something different in practice?

This was an especially appalling thought for me, being a consultant. How many clients and organizations had I coached about "Walking the Talk?" But here I was, being called on the very same issue. I felt like a hypocrite.

Why am I sharing this story? Take what you want from it, but there are a few key lessons I learned:

- Great coaches are like great parents, in that they don't have to be your friends. If you want someone to always make you feel good, support you even when you're wrong and have laughs with...call a friend. If you want to hear the truth and be asked the tough questions that your friends won't ask...go get a good coach.

- When someone gives you feedback that hurts, there's probably some truth to it...even if the words themselves are harsh. My husband is an actor so I read some of the acting trade magazines. The world's most accomplished actors consistently say, "When I read a script and I'm afraid of taking the part, I know I have to do it. If it's going to be a tough role for me, it's probably the right one." Remember, from discomfort comes growth. When you get tough coaching feedback, take a deep breath, count to 10, resist the urge to defend yourself, and ask yourself, "What's behind this feedback?" Assume there is at least some grain of truth to it. Work with your coach to find it and do something about it.

In case you're wondering, I do believe that I've changed from the experience. After this coaching discussion, I had a very direct conversation with my associate. I won't lie. It was painful. But when it was done, we came out the other side in a very good place. We're closer than ever and have a new level of candor in our relationship. I always remember this when I'm confronted with a difficult interpersonal situation and I'm tempted to walk away. Face it. It'll be painful in the short-term, but easier in the long-term.

I'd like to hear your personal story about a tough coaching discussion. What's the most difficult feedback or coaching you've received - and how did it change you for the better?

©2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved. www.TheLoyaltyGroup.com

Amazing Coach Story on RealSports

The Loyalty Group's June newsletter, thinktwice today, focuses on coaching. Basically, we all know that coaching is good for us (like taking vitamins or seeing the doctor for checkups)...but its something that's easily pushed aside for "higher priorities" in the workplace.

A few nights ago I saw an amazing story about a coach, Bev Kearney, of the University of Texas. Here is the story link and the blurb posted on the RealSports website.

Making Strides (Revisited)

There is no better example of hard work and dedication translating into success than Bev Kearney of the University of Texas. When REAL SPORTS first profiled the women's track coach in February 2004, Kearney was rehabilitating from injuries sustained in a car accident while continuing to coach from her hospital bed. Since then, she has led the Longhorns to both indoor and outdoor NCAA championships, as well as being named the 2005 National Women's Outdoor Coach of the Year for the fourth time. Accolades are nothing new for Kearney, who was a standout athlete in her own right, qualifying for the 1980 U.S. Olympic trials in the 200-meter dash. But for all her personal success, it has been her ability to lead others in the face of adversity that makes Kearney the embodiment of the word "coach." Correspondent Mary Carillo reunites with the remarkable mentor who continues to make strides.

Correspondent: Mary Carillo
Producer: Michael Sullivan

What struck me most about this sports story was how it paralleled the case for good coaching in today's business world. Many of us take coaching for granted. We often find excuses not to coach ("Not enough time." "Other real work to do.") or not to be coached ("I don't have time." "I already know what I'm supposed to do."). Kearney's story showed how powerful one coach can be - even from a wheelchair. Kearney coached her track team to victory without even attending her team's practices, because she was bedridden. She watched video tapes of their practices and meets, and later gave them coaching and feedback. Think of how many managers use the excuse for not coaching, "I don't have time to get in the field to see my people in action." Where there's a will, there's a way.

The story also showed how critical it is for individuals to WANT coaching. Everyone on Kearney's team looked up to her, believed in themselves and her, and wanted to be coached to win. There were no egos. There were no walls. Just openness and an common goal shared between coach and team.

There is a lesson for us all in the business world in this story. When coaching is done right - and both parties want to coach and be coached - almost anything can be accomplished. Imagine how much more innovative, productive and competitive our companies would be if we possessed this powerful coaching culture. What results could we achieve that we're not getting now?

©2006 The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved. www.TheLoyaltyGroup.com