Toxic People

Have you ever worked with a toxic person?

These are people who spread negativity. And when you let them into your workplace or your life, they are like mold. They're unpleasant, they spread their nastiness everywhere...and they're often hard to get rid of. I have one of these in my life now. Every time I think I've removed this toxic person from my life, she keeps coming back.

There's a great book by Keith Harrell called "Attitude is Everything", in which he warns about "toxic negativity" and the damage these people cause to the poor souls who encounter them. According to Harrell, these poisonous people fall into different categories:

Judges and Critics: They invest most of their time and effort criticizing and judging others (deflecting attention away from their own short-comings and unhappiness). They can be direct and outright demeaning, or they can be subtle (but no less critical).

"I wouldn't have done it that way."
"Do you really want to wear that?"
"Let me tell you what's wrong with your idea."

Professional Victims: Things always happen to them. Nothing is ever their fault.

"It's not my fault that the customer changed his mind."
"If my manager were better, I could do my job better."
"Nobody told me I was supposed to do that."
"I couldn't make any sales because you gave me bad leads."

Soap Opera Stars: These people are drama kings and queens. They thrive on turmoil, chaos and conflict. When there isn't any drama, they stir the pot to create it.

"Did you hear what Donna said about Albert?"
"I heard a rumor that there are going to be some big changes in the department!"
"I can't believe I was so wronged! How could they do this to me?!"
"I wouldn't take that. You should give her a piece of your mind!"

Bitter to the Core: According to Harrell, these people have a motto: "There's nothing worse than seeing your friends succeed." These are miserable people who are so unhappy with themselves and their lives that they want to spread their misery. They may smile and put up a friendly facade, but they'll stab you in the back and bring you down every chance they get (smiling the whole time).

"I wouldn't get too excited. It probably won't last."

"If it weren't for me, you'd never make it!"
"You got a promotion? Great! I heard you got the job because no one else wanted it."
"You're pregnant? Congratulations. My sister's pregnancy was hell. I hope yours isn't as miserable."

So what do you do when you encounter toxic people? Here are some tips, many of which I've learned the hard way, through experience.

• Don't let them in. Have you ever seen a vampire movie? If so, you'll know that one of the "rules" of vampires is that they can't enter your house unless you invite them in. (In the movies, the unwitting victims ALWAYS let them in for some reason!) Toxic people are like vampires. They'll suck the life out of you. If you see them, don't even let them in...because once they're in, they'll do damage.

• Contain them. These people need to be reigned in, or their toxicity will spread rapidly, partciularly if they're on your work team. Let them know the rules early on. When you hear an example of negative talk, criticism or rumor-mongering, address it immediately. Let them know that the behavior is not acceptable. If it's in the workplace, give them examples of how their negative behavior is impacting work performance and the morale of others. If the behavior continues, let them go.

• Create a "buffer zone". If you're forced to live with a toxic person (for example, your father-in-law) or work with one (for example, your peer in another department), you've got to deal with it. Protect yourself by creating a buffer zone. You can do this by limiting your interaction with this person as much as possible. And when you must interact with them, prepare yourself emotionally in advance. Build up your strength by doing something that makes you feel good first, like going for a long walk. Talk to someone positive beforehand, so you feel upbeat and good about yourself. Mentally prepare by saying to yourself: "I'm happy. I won't let this person get to me."

Positive attitude is a choice you can make. You can either allow yourself to get dragged down by toxic people, or you can leave them to roll around in their own mud. You choose.

© 2007. Phyllis Roteman, The Loyalty Group. All Rights Reserved.